I watched 5 movies this weekend. What?

So? I have a lot of disposable income on my hands. I mean time. I have a lot of disposable time.

My assessment, in order of quality and lasting memorable-ness (memorability?):

1)The Sessions

2)Dallas Buyers Club

3)Deep Impact

4)Cloud Atlas

5)The Artist

In an effort to keep this short and sweet and hopefully persuade you to watch one of the good ones, I’ll be laying down my reviews in two sentences or less (this is a lie).
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The Sessions: This is how you do funny, thought-provoking and touching: Use a based-on-real-events story of a dude with a severe case of polio finding out about how important sex is.  Its a 40 Year Old Virgin that might make you cry.  Additional sentence: John Hawkes.

Dallas Buyers Club: Matthew McConaughey is still rocking that war tear from Reign Of Fire (which he brought with him to True Detective BTW) with a real-feeling message about the realities of AIDS research, while leaving no room to sleep on Jared Leto.  Serious movie, well done, but I’m honestly not convinced the memorable-ness is that high on this one, even though I don’t know how they could have made it much better.

Deep Impact:   American President Morgan Freeman guides the world through an extinction level event that makes Michael Bay’s Armageddon seem like… a movie with much better production values, which it is.  BUT Neil Degrasse Tyson said that he could find no scientific fault with Deep Impact, and he is the pre-imminent motherfucker right now, so. This shit counts.

Cloud Atlas: From a narrative point of view, an amazing achievement, BUT if you can’t do black face, and you can’t do brown face YOU CAN’T DO YELLOW FACE. Cancel any plans to see this movie at once, the white actors made up as asians is sooooo distracting and disturbing. Actually, all the makeup -race swapping makeup, age swapping makeup- is really distracting and disturbing, but especially the race-swapping makeup, of which there is tons.

The Artist gets way more than two sentences because I’m kinda mad at it: Shit, how did The Artist end up down here? Didn’t it win a bunch of awards at some point? It’s a silent movie about silent movies. But, if you were born after 1940, its going to hurt your brain to watch, so if you’re going to watch something silent, watch a real silent movie, like Metropolis or something, not a 100 minute build-up to one punch line.  Spoiler Alert: Dude has a french accent.  I hope that the (three? at most?) remaining Hollywood veterans who were alive when silent films were a thing were cogent enough to appreciate it when Hollywood congratulated itself with this attempt at historical relevance. Hollywood: don’t make or back movies about yourself, and if you do, make sure they aren’t two hour versions of a joke that a french misogynist told a disinterested prostitute in some smoky back room in LA before the war.

OUT!

soulrebelscum